Sometimes I have a hard time telling my kids no and sticking to it. I know I'm not doing my children any favors by giving in to their every whim; I'm probably doing more damage than anything. They ask for a toy and I tell them no. They beg and I tell myself that I had children to love them and see them happy, and if a toy makes them happy, then they should have it. Yes, I know this is a problem, and over the past few months I've really stepped it up as a parent. It's getting easier to stick to my guns, and the more I do, the less tantrums I deal with each time. Who knew?!
The hardest part of all this...is Noah. On the one hand, he can't be handled the same as the other boys most of the time; on the other hand, he can't be allowed to get away with everything because he has some mental disorders. It's really hard, sometimes, to know when he needs to be handled differently and when he needs to be handled the same as his brothers. And with the latter, it's guaranteed that he won't react the same as his brothers do. I think we're supposed to handle things with him the same way as with everyone else more often than not. Problem is, Noah's reactions wreak havoc on the rest of the house. He lashes out at anyone who is involved with him not getting his way; most of the time that would be Daniel, Adam, or Andrew, and lately it's been me alot. It's not usually Kenny or Grammie. In the past, he's kicked holes in the wall, broken things, thrown things (once he went through the pantry and threw the container of coffee all over the kitchen floor), and tried to seriously hurt people (he tried to bash Adam in the head with a hammer one day...luckily I was right there!). I guess it's obvious that we don't frequently leave Noah alone, especially alone with his brothers. Let it be noted that when outsiders are around, or Noah is out of his element, everything is different and he holds it together...a classic behavior for bipolar kids. These days, it's been hard for him to hold it together when he gets upset in public. Anger isn't the problem, but meltdowns and crying are.
Take Disneyland, for example. First thing Noah wanted to do when we got there was go on Space Mountain. Of course, the ride was down at that time. No problem, it'll be running again soon, so we'll come back. Later that evening, back we went...literally...entering the ride through the exit as we are allowed to do with Noah's Guest Assistance Pass. Boy is that thing a day saver! With that, we enter the rides through the exit and only have to wait about 5 minutes maximum to board the ride. This is due to Noah's anxiety over going on the ride, waiting in line, and being in too big of a crowd of people for too long. Anyway, we get into the cars on the ride, get ready for take off, and boom...the ride shuts down and we have to get off because someone in the car in front of us decided they didn't want to ride and jumped out onto the tracks just before the ride took off. Thus, the ride had to be shut down for over an hour. Meltdown time!!! Once off the ride, Noah spots the balloon man with balloons that light up. He says one of those is the only thing that would make him not be upset. We couldn't go on any other rides with the balloon, I told him, so maybe we could get one on our way out of the park. What ended up happening was that was the reason we left the park! The meltdown escalated with Noah saying he couldn't live without the balloon, I was torturing him by not letting him have it, he didn't feel loved, and the list goes on. Oh how I tried to stand my ground on that balloon thing! Did I mention that the darn thing was $12.00?! I tried reasoning with him about not being able to go on more rides if we bought the balloon. I tried promising he could have it on the way out. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him. Nothing helped. He needed that balloon right then. At this point, the younger boys were telling me "Mom just get him the balloon and we'll go home." Which ended up being what we did, since no one was going to continue to have a good time with Noah having a meltdown through the happiest place on earth. It's heartbreaking to see my almost 12 year old having a tantrum over a balloon in the middle of Disneyland while my 9, 7 and 5 year olds are so mature that they tell me they'll leave the park and head home for Noah's sake.
I couldn't stand my ground there. We were in public. It was getting late and Noah hadn't had his daily nap, which he rarely misses because his meds cause drowsiness. Of course, it was an amusement park and everything in the place overstimulated him. I never said he couldn't have the balloon, I just said he needed to wait a while for it. That would have been enough for the other boys, and if it wasn't then they wouldn't get it at all. In this case, Noah had to be treated differently. Luckily we're finally at a point where the other boys understand that Noah may get away with things they don't. They should be rewarded more often just for accepting that! If Noah were the youngest, I could see how they should all be able to just deal with it, but he's the oldest, and not only are they understanding, but they aren't trying to get away with things by behaving like Noah. For a while they did, but they've been some much better about it since I've started standing my ground with them.
And of course, we'd never get through any of it without somehow laughing at the situation once in a while. In this instance, when we headed for the car to go home, Noah started feeling bad about ruining the rest of the night for everyone and he cried. And he cried. And he cried. Sitting next to Daniel in the back of the van, he was sobbing about how he didn't deserve to be loved and he didn't feel loved, etc. and Daniel, sweet Daniel, yells out "Do I have to sit back here with him?!" I had to laugh, I don't know why, but it was funny. We made it home, and that night, sleep was a wonderful thing. Everyone woke up the next morning thanking us for taking them, thinking nothing of Noah's upset, and Noah was none the worse for wear either.
Back at home, and with the help of weekly visits to our new psychologist, we're sticking to things alot more. Chores, rules, schedules. I'm having a bit of a hard time with the consequences for Noah, but we'll get there. This month, Noah's big thing has been hope. He has no hope. Is there any hope? There's nothing left to hope for. For me, there's more hope now than there's been for a long time. It's a hard road, but each day brings us closer to getting more of the help we need, and hopefully, seeing the sparkle return to Noah's eyes. And I share that with him each night when I tuck him into bed.
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